One evening while sitting at home on the computer, I had a strange sensation and realized ::gasp:: my pants were totally wet! I knew I didn't do that -- so I panicked when I realized, my water had broken - that was amniotic fluid, I bet. So I yelled for Daniel and he took me to the hopsital. I was so nervous that I was shaking all over. The nurse confirmed that it was indeed amniotic fluid. She said I would either have the baby soon or I would stay in the hospital until he was born! Neither sounded like a good choice -- but I hoped he wouldn't be born yet! I didn't have any clue what could happen to a baby born at 30 weeks gestation.

After 18 hours in the hospital, Joshua Kyle was born at 5:04 weighing 4lbs 5oz. He was large due to the fact that I had gestational diabetes. I had only been diagnosed 2 weeks before he was born and was basically on "diet control" - which wasn't very good, I guess. (In retrospect, I believe I was diabetic before I became pregnant but never knew it. )

Josh cried so quietly. By this time, my mother and my Grandmother were in Greensboro (from Greenville, SC) and I'll never forget what my grandmother said about Josh's crying -- she said he sounded like a kitten. I briefly got to touch his foot as they rushed him to the NICU. His lungs weren't very mature due to the fact I had gestational diabetes and his prematurity. In my years of reading since his birth, I realized that they didn't give me any of the steroid drugs that mature the baby's lungs. They take 24 hours to work - I was almost in labor for 24 hours - but they also cause a spike in blood sugar. But you know.. I don't think anyone checked my blood sugar the whole time I was in labor -- so what difference would it have made?  I would rather have had the shot - had I known the consequences of not having it.

Josh was sent off to the NICU. I had to wait a few hours before I could go see him. Daniel got to go before me and check on him. Poor Josh was so bruised from being in the birth canal for 18 hours! My heart breaks to see the pictures of him (below).

After 2 months in the NICU and the normal preemie ups and downs, Josh was going to go home! We were so excited. I remember thinking how some parents have babies who have brain bleeds and other problems that leave them disabled. We were so lucky - we didn't have anything like that happen. I thought all we had to do was feed him and get him bigger! I had no idea what was to come.

As the months went on, Josh didn't meet his developmental milestones. And at every trip the the pediatrician, we were told "Oh, well, he was a preemie! He'll catch up by age 2." So we continued to work with him. We even had a nurse follow up from the health department. It wasn't until an eye doctor asked us if Josh had ever been diagnosed with CP that we had any clue that there was a problem. He was about a year old by this time! I did some research into CP and realized that YES, this was what was going on! Josh was stiff.. he wasn't sitting, he wasn't crawling, he wasn't standing.  No one had the guts to say anything to me - except for this eye doctor (who tends not to be the warm and fuzzy type to this day).

I approached my pediatrician and asked - could he have CP? I mean.. I would know by now if he did -- imagining that someone would have told me or I would have seen some sign of deformity, etc. I had no idea what CP really was - just what I had seen on TV.  He confirmed my suspicions. He said Josh does have CP - but we'll get him some OT and everything will be fine. He sent me over to the hospital to see an OT. That was the end of it. He didn't tell me about Early Intervention or any thing more about CP. Luckily I had a lot of resources online that helped me.

Anyway -- I've learned that you can't look back and change anything. But you can look at today and plan a better tomorrow.   I spent many weeks and months - maybe years wondering "What if..." but I feel like I lost so many happy memories that way. I know its only human nature to think about what we can't change - but it really didn't me any good and it didn't do Josh any good.

Sure I'd give anything if I could make him NOT have CP. I'd love to see him run to me across the playground at school. I'd love to have him be able to hug me without really having to try.  But I've also decided that for my sake and for Josh's sake, you have to put that all behind you and focus on the positive things you have! We're very fortunate. Other than his physical limits, Josh is a pretty typical kid. He has an amazing memory. He has made 104 on every spelling test (except his first one, I think) so far in 3rd grade! He's memorized his times tables up to 5 so far... and is going strong onto the next level.  He is probably the sweetest kid there could be. Oh, he can be a pain like the next kid - don't get me wrong - but he has this underlying pure sweetness that melts your heart.